Last night, I had a dream that I was pregnant. In the dream, I wasn't just pregnant, I was in labor, water breaking, contracting, screaming agony labor. I was at the orthodontist's office (don't ask me why that was the setting) when it happened and then it quickly flashed to me as a new mother with this baby that, even though I have tons of experience with babies, I had NO idea what to do with. I didn't know how to feed it (it because I don't remember if it was a boy or a girl) or how to take care of it. I remember asking my mom who was there, "What do I do?" -- "Feed it," she said. "Feed it what??" I cried. In the dream, I didn't know what to feed my own newborn baby. Then, in what I can only assume was a flash-forward of the same dream, I'm back at the same orthodontist's office, pregnant for the second time, when my water breaks again. I remember saying in the dream to the receptionist, "EVERY TIME I COME HERE, MY WATER BREAKS! I AM NEVER COMING BACK HERE AGAIN!!" -- Quick flash to my parents' house where I waddle to their room and open the door to find them watching TV and say "I think it's time to push." They spring into action, even my dad, who doesn't spring... at all... ever. I remember crying and being afraid to push because of how much it was going to hurt. That is basically the end of the dream.
What is always so striking to me about these dreams when I have them is how vividly I feel every kick, every contraction, every pressure and every pain... I obviously do not have the real life experience to know if what I'm feeling in my dreams is anything akin to what real labor feels like, but somehow between everything I've seen, heard and read about labor and giving birth, my brain takes all that information and takes it out on my body in a seemingly very real way. I wake up in physical pain, like I can still feel every sensation from my dream. I remember shifting my body in my sleep to accomodate needing to push a baby out in my dream. What the hell is that?
What these dreams usually mean is that I feel pressure or stress in my life. The first time I ever had a pregnancy dream, I was a counselor at Camp Chase and in the dream, I had a big pregnant belly and my main concern was that I would lose my job because I couldn't carry the lunch crate with this big belly in the way. Why wasn't I concerned about the fact that I was a) 17 and pregnant, or b) about to pop? The dream has popped up in different forms and scenes over the years and every time, it shakes me to my core. Most often, I feel the real world stress and then comes the dream. This time, the dream came first. I wasn't aware that I felt pressure or stress until I woke up this morning and remembered that dream. My brain is weird.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Sox for Life
If you scroll back to December, there's an entry where I announce the decision that I made that I was going to go to one Red Sox game a month for the duration of the season. Even at the time, as determined as I was to make it happen, somewhere in the back of my head, I had doubts. With my mom's help and 6 different game partners, I ended my run last night and now I'm a little bit sad... but praying for some kind of miracle where playoff tickets appear at my doorstep. What a great season it's been, for the Red Sox as a team, yes, but also for me.
April 16
I asked J.Rho to go with me to game 1, on Saturday, April 16th. Going into that game, the Red Sox were 2-10. It was their worst start to a season in about a hundred years and that day, I wasn't thinking so much about the long-term implications of such an abysmal start. Instead, I was being selfish and thinking, "just win for me. PLEASE win because I'm here." -- What we didn't know when we got there was that it was Fan Appreciation Day (which I interpreted as "Please don't be mad, fans, even though we SUCK right now.") and they lined the field with velvet ropes and allowed fans to form a line around the field to meet players before the game. I didn't meet any players but I did do something I never thought I'd ever be able to do - set foot on the field. They won that game... and since that game, they have the best record in the majors. I like to believe it's because of me.
June 21
My cousin, Laura, lives in Milton, which is just outside Boston and since we're both teachers, I knew we'd have approximately the same vacation time. Laura got us bleacher seats and this game was just a part of the awesome weekend I spent with her. We also went to the aquarium, made a fantastic homemade pizza and homemade cookies and took a drive around a really pretty coastal town. We made a lot of fun of the police officer who sat on centerfield wall, with his back to the game, and ate ice cream and drank soda and flirted with the too-old-to-be-as-drunk-as-they-were ladies to our left. This was also the first time I went to the Bleacher Bar, which is an awesome literal-whole-in-the-wall bar that is actually built in the centerfield wall. There's a garage down that you can look out at field level and see the game from there. It was an awesome place that I never knew existed. The Red Sox lost this game but it didn't take away from how awesome the experience was. It was also the first time I'd ever sat in the bleachers and the different view of Fenway Park that I had sitting out there was fantastic.
July 9
Rachel and I went to this Saturday game with a little bit of a different goal in mind. The game was at 4 and we wanted to do a Fenway Bar Crawl before the game started so we took the T in about 3 hours early with plans to visit as many bars as we could before the game started. We started at Cask 'N Flagon, where some guys called random names at us to see if we would answer, "SUSAN!!! Susan?" - nope, sorry, you're not even close. We had a spinach and artichoke appetizer and a couple of "Youk Juices" (a really yummy pineapple mixed drink) before going to Game On, where we had one beer and then left because it was SO crowded. For our last stop, I took her to Bleacher Bar so she could see what I saw. The garage door was open so the view to the field was even better than it was the first time I went there. Our seats were incredible and even with John Lackey pitching, the Red Sox won!
August 26
I hadn't seen Allie since the beginning of last summer and though we talk from time to time, I was really longing for some quality visit time with one of my favorite college friends. She lives in South Boston so I decided to be brave and drive myself into the city that scares the crap out of me to drive through. I got us standing room tickets on the third base side, my only standing room experience of the season. Those standing room tickets are fantastic because even though you're standing, your view is generally pretty good and most of the time, later in the game, you can slide into some unoccupied seats if you keep your eyes open. It was fantastic to hang out with Allie for a night and catch up and also squeeze in a surprise visit with Mary, who happened to be right around the corner! Around the 6th inning, we started trolling for empties and found a pair of seats 10 rows back from the visitors' dugout and parked ourselves there for the remainder of the game. While we were sitting in our look-how-lucky-we-are seats, something amazing happened! In between innings, on our feet and absentmindedly dancing to whatever music was playing and chatting with each other, a lady in front of us got our attention and pointed to outfield. JUMBOTRON!! The reaction of someone who catches themselves on the jumbotron is always the same. You're looking at the screen to see what dummy who isn't paying attention gets on there, and then it's YOU and you recognize yourself and then you wave and point and try to find which camera is on you. It was awesome. The Red Sox lost this game miserably but there were way more upsides than downers.
Sept. 3
One of the great things about the "one game a month" provision is that that doesn't exclude those games being only a week apart. After having been at Fenway the week before, I went back just last night for my 6th game of the season with Heather! Heather and I have been doing a lot together lately, going to concerts and going on hikes, that when Alex told me he didn't want to go to a game on his birthday like I'd originally planned, it was easy to find a replacement. Heather had never been to a game before so we figured no time like the present! The Red Sox had gotten walloped, 10-0, the night before so I was hoping they'd return the favor with a vengeance for us the next day. And did they ever! Thanks to an 8-run bottom of the 4th, the game was well in hand when people started to leave around the 7th inning. It takes quite a long time to score that many runs so the game was about 3 hours old when people figured they had it and it was okay to leave. That left whole rows empty so we relocated to better seats. In the bottom of the 8th, another Fenway first. A guy, barefoot, dirty and probably drunk, dropped himself down the left field wall (although I didn't see exactly from where) and ran from the 3rd base line almost all the way to the Red Sox bullpen before he was football-tackled by a security guard, instantly handcuffed and led off the field. I had never seen that before! The Red Sox won this almost-four-hour game handily and it was a great end to a fantastic-game-going season for me! I'm probably going to have to do this every year from now on. :)
April 16
I asked J.Rho to go with me to game 1, on Saturday, April 16th. Going into that game, the Red Sox were 2-10. It was their worst start to a season in about a hundred years and that day, I wasn't thinking so much about the long-term implications of such an abysmal start. Instead, I was being selfish and thinking, "just win for me. PLEASE win because I'm here." -- What we didn't know when we got there was that it was Fan Appreciation Day (which I interpreted as "Please don't be mad, fans, even though we SUCK right now.") and they lined the field with velvet ropes and allowed fans to form a line around the field to meet players before the game. I didn't meet any players but I did do something I never thought I'd ever be able to do - set foot on the field. They won that game... and since that game, they have the best record in the majors. I like to believe it's because of me.
May 7
My mom's birthday is May 7 and I needed a May game to go to. It just so happened that the Red Sox were on a homestand Mother's Day weekend and I asked her if a game on her birthday was something she'd be interested in and was happy to find she really wanted to go. To her credit, she weathered a two-hour rain delay, that turned a day game into a night game and resulted in another Red Sox win! We were lucky that our seats were under the cover of the roof so we didn't get rained on. Mom decided to go for a walk during the rain delay in on the concourse and came back about 5 minutes later because she said the concourse was so full of people that she couldn't walk. This was also my first time seeing a thunderstorm at Fenway, which was a pretty spectacular sight. 
My cousin, Laura, lives in Milton, which is just outside Boston and since we're both teachers, I knew we'd have approximately the same vacation time. Laura got us bleacher seats and this game was just a part of the awesome weekend I spent with her. We also went to the aquarium, made a fantastic homemade pizza and homemade cookies and took a drive around a really pretty coastal town. We made a lot of fun of the police officer who sat on centerfield wall, with his back to the game, and ate ice cream and drank soda and flirted with the too-old-to-be-as-drunk-as-they-were ladies to our left. This was also the first time I went to the Bleacher Bar, which is an awesome literal-whole-in-the-wall bar that is actually built in the centerfield wall. There's a garage down that you can look out at field level and see the game from there. It was an awesome place that I never knew existed. The Red Sox lost this game but it didn't take away from how awesome the experience was. It was also the first time I'd ever sat in the bleachers and the different view of Fenway Park that I had sitting out there was fantastic.
Rachel and I went to this Saturday game with a little bit of a different goal in mind. The game was at 4 and we wanted to do a Fenway Bar Crawl before the game started so we took the T in about 3 hours early with plans to visit as many bars as we could before the game started. We started at Cask 'N Flagon, where some guys called random names at us to see if we would answer, "SUSAN!!! Susan?" - nope, sorry, you're not even close. We had a spinach and artichoke appetizer and a couple of "Youk Juices" (a really yummy pineapple mixed drink) before going to Game On, where we had one beer and then left because it was SO crowded. For our last stop, I took her to Bleacher Bar so she could see what I saw. The garage door was open so the view to the field was even better than it was the first time I went there. Our seats were incredible and even with John Lackey pitching, the Red Sox won!
August 26
I hadn't seen Allie since the beginning of last summer and though we talk from time to time, I was really longing for some quality visit time with one of my favorite college friends. She lives in South Boston so I decided to be brave and drive myself into the city that scares the crap out of me to drive through. I got us standing room tickets on the third base side, my only standing room experience of the season. Those standing room tickets are fantastic because even though you're standing, your view is generally pretty good and most of the time, later in the game, you can slide into some unoccupied seats if you keep your eyes open. It was fantastic to hang out with Allie for a night and catch up and also squeeze in a surprise visit with Mary, who happened to be right around the corner! Around the 6th inning, we started trolling for empties and found a pair of seats 10 rows back from the visitors' dugout and parked ourselves there for the remainder of the game. While we were sitting in our look-how-lucky-we-are seats, something amazing happened! In between innings, on our feet and absentmindedly dancing to whatever music was playing and chatting with each other, a lady in front of us got our attention and pointed to outfield. JUMBOTRON!! The reaction of someone who catches themselves on the jumbotron is always the same. You're looking at the screen to see what dummy who isn't paying attention gets on there, and then it's YOU and you recognize yourself and then you wave and point and try to find which camera is on you. It was awesome. The Red Sox lost this game miserably but there were way more upsides than downers.
Sept. 3
One of the great things about the "one game a month" provision is that that doesn't exclude those games being only a week apart. After having been at Fenway the week before, I went back just last night for my 6th game of the season with Heather! Heather and I have been doing a lot together lately, going to concerts and going on hikes, that when Alex told me he didn't want to go to a game on his birthday like I'd originally planned, it was easy to find a replacement. Heather had never been to a game before so we figured no time like the present! The Red Sox had gotten walloped, 10-0, the night before so I was hoping they'd return the favor with a vengeance for us the next day. And did they ever! Thanks to an 8-run bottom of the 4th, the game was well in hand when people started to leave around the 7th inning. It takes quite a long time to score that many runs so the game was about 3 hours old when people figured they had it and it was okay to leave. That left whole rows empty so we relocated to better seats. In the bottom of the 8th, another Fenway first. A guy, barefoot, dirty and probably drunk, dropped himself down the left field wall (although I didn't see exactly from where) and ran from the 3rd base line almost all the way to the Red Sox bullpen before he was football-tackled by a security guard, instantly handcuffed and led off the field. I had never seen that before! The Red Sox won this almost-four-hour game handily and it was a great end to a fantastic-game-going season for me! I'm probably going to have to do this every year from now on. :)
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Gillette Castle and the Ferry Bitch
Today, Rachel and I decided to visit Gillette Castle State Park down in East Haddam. Gillette Castle was built by William Gillette, an actor who was famous for playing Sherlock Holmes in the 1900s. Actually, we read this letter that he wrote to someone in 1915 that said, "I'm going to build myself a place to live... I don't know what to call it yet... but not a house." - Nope, he built a castle.
The castle itself is beautiful and very historic-looking. Inside, a guide told us there are about 47 doors, really ornately carved and scallopped with big, intricate door locks and designs, like puzzles - and that no two of all the doors in the house were the same. It was like the Clue house - secret doors and cabinets and closets and doors that open into other rooms. I loved it.
On the way home, we took a wrong turn and somehow wound up at a ferry crossing. We did not want to be there, we had no intention of getting on any ferry. In the 30 seconds that we sat there trying to figure out what to do, this lady, who was sitting on the curb, piped up. She shall henceforth be known as "Ferry Bitch. This is how the converation went.
FB - Stop, stop, stop! Don't block the parking lot!
R - We just need to turn around.
FB - Don't turn around. Where is there to go?
R - The highway?
FB - You don't wanna do that!
D - We don't want to go on the Ferry.
FB - Why not? Yes, you do.
D - Does it cost anything?
FB - Three dollars per CAR. It doesn't matter how many PEOPLE are IN the car.
R - I think we're gonna turn around.
FB - Don't turn around. Just wait. It JUST left, so you can turn your engine off.
R - Okay, put your window up, I'm turning around in the parking lot.
With that, we turned around in the parking lot and sped away without making eye contact. What a bitch. Every single thing she said to us could have ended with, "what are you, STUPID?" No, Ferry Bitch, we're not stupid....WE JUST DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE EFFING FERRY SO LEAVE US ALONE!! I think what it was was that she just could not fathom anyone driving down to the water's edge and NOT planning to take the ferry. We wound up there because we were following a GPS in an unfamiliar area, don't commit us to getting on a freaking boat! Crazy.
The castle itself is beautiful and very historic-looking. Inside, a guide told us there are about 47 doors, really ornately carved and scallopped with big, intricate door locks and designs, like puzzles - and that no two of all the doors in the house were the same. It was like the Clue house - secret doors and cabinets and closets and doors that open into other rooms. I loved it.
On the way home, we took a wrong turn and somehow wound up at a ferry crossing. We did not want to be there, we had no intention of getting on any ferry. In the 30 seconds that we sat there trying to figure out what to do, this lady, who was sitting on the curb, piped up. She shall henceforth be known as "Ferry Bitch. This is how the converation went.
FB - Stop, stop, stop! Don't block the parking lot!
R - We just need to turn around.
FB - Don't turn around. Where is there to go?
R - The highway?
FB - You don't wanna do that!
D - We don't want to go on the Ferry.
FB - Why not? Yes, you do.
D - Does it cost anything?
FB - Three dollars per CAR. It doesn't matter how many PEOPLE are IN the car.
R - I think we're gonna turn around.
FB - Don't turn around. Just wait. It JUST left, so you can turn your engine off.
R - Okay, put your window up, I'm turning around in the parking lot.
With that, we turned around in the parking lot and sped away without making eye contact. What a bitch. Every single thing she said to us could have ended with, "what are you, STUPID?" No, Ferry Bitch, we're not stupid....WE JUST DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE EFFING FERRY SO LEAVE US ALONE!! I think what it was was that she just could not fathom anyone driving down to the water's edge and NOT planning to take the ferry. We wound up there because we were following a GPS in an unfamiliar area, don't commit us to getting on a freaking boat! Crazy.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Rollercoaster Week
This week has been one of the more mentally exhausting, stressful weeks I've been through in a long time.
Sunday afternoon, I checked my mailbox to find that my employment agreement for the coming school year was there and exactly what I had expected and hoped it would be. Should be a no-brainer but with all the cutting and switching that happened this year, I in no way felt safe. It was a huge relief to know that I was safe and placed where I wanted to be. Up.
Monday, a coworker was in a car accident and since I happened to be nearby, I went and stayed with her through the towing and gave her a shoulder to cry on and a ride home. Her entire family is in Utah right now so really she was on her own and there was no way I wasn't going to help her out if I was able. Even being peripherally involved in something traumatic like that takes something out of you. Also, I was walking Racer around the neighborhood later in the afternoon and unwittingly walked through a DCF removal of a child on our block. I've seen that happen before, and I can't say it's a surprise knowing the people involved but it's still very sad nonetheless, especially for the little girl. Down.
Monday night into Tuesday, I felt like I was taking naps in between unconsciously waking myself up to see if Kate had had her baby. I was even awake at 6 and not able to fall asleep again, hoping for that text that didn't come until about 1:30 p.m. Healthy, beautiful Bradyn James Sullivan, 9 lbs 7 oz, at about 11:30 a.m. Kate was a rock star and everybody's happy and healthy. Up!!
Tuesday night, my mom calls and tells me that my Grandpa, my last surviving grandparent, who, up until now, has been an indestructible ox, fell and broke his hip and was in the hospital. He had surgery that was successful and his girlfriend was with him through the whole thing but I think the last time he was in a hospital was probably when my dad was born. Big time Down.
Ten minutes after getting THAT phone call, Kate called me and we were able to talk for a little bit. Ridiculous girl asked me how I was doing!! Um, well, I didn't have a BABY today! I wanna talk about YOU!! I was not expecting to hear from her for a week, or maybe two, let alone the same day. I was so overjoyed that she found a few minutes to call me and tell me how everything went. Up.
Wednesday afternoon, my mom and I visited Grandpa at the hospital. He looked good, he was sitting up in a chair, completely mentally sharp and clear and actually in a pretty decent mood. It was encouraging to see him sitting up and looking that good but by all accounts, he wasn't moving as well as they'd have liked him to be and I don't really ever even remember seeing him with even so much as a band-aid, let alone IN a hospital so see him that setting was really disconcerting and it made me sad. Also, one of my dad's sisters, basically a stranger who I hear not great things about from time to time if she's ever even mentioned at all, was there and is back in the picture, making a less than favorable situation just a little bit worse by making it awkward. Down.
Thursday, I went with Dad to see Grandpa again because he had been on the road when my mom and I went the day before. I was afraid for my dad to have to see HIS dad in a hospital. I was hoping Grandpa would be the same, or better, than he was the day before. He was. That was good. The plan was for him to be transitioned to a rehab place the next day. Also good. Things seem to be going as well as they can in this situation but I feel like I'm taking on extra emotions - trying to figure out how to be there for but not smother my dad. I don't want to just ignore the fact that we were just in a hospital but I know how my dad processes things and that he isn't a "Let's talk about our feelings in depth" kind of guy. Murky waters. Stress. Down.
I have been getting eight hours of sleep every night this week but because every day this week has been so emotionally charged and mentally draining, it has felt like hard, heavy sleep that is not restful at all and I wake up more exhausted than I went to bed. This afternoon, I came home from work at noon, and have sat in my chair and watched tv and then slept on the couch for a couple hours and moved back to my chair. I really needed quiet. Hopefully, next week I can get back to a happy medium.
Sunday afternoon, I checked my mailbox to find that my employment agreement for the coming school year was there and exactly what I had expected and hoped it would be. Should be a no-brainer but with all the cutting and switching that happened this year, I in no way felt safe. It was a huge relief to know that I was safe and placed where I wanted to be. Up.
Monday, a coworker was in a car accident and since I happened to be nearby, I went and stayed with her through the towing and gave her a shoulder to cry on and a ride home. Her entire family is in Utah right now so really she was on her own and there was no way I wasn't going to help her out if I was able. Even being peripherally involved in something traumatic like that takes something out of you. Also, I was walking Racer around the neighborhood later in the afternoon and unwittingly walked through a DCF removal of a child on our block. I've seen that happen before, and I can't say it's a surprise knowing the people involved but it's still very sad nonetheless, especially for the little girl. Down.
Monday night into Tuesday, I felt like I was taking naps in between unconsciously waking myself up to see if Kate had had her baby. I was even awake at 6 and not able to fall asleep again, hoping for that text that didn't come until about 1:30 p.m. Healthy, beautiful Bradyn James Sullivan, 9 lbs 7 oz, at about 11:30 a.m. Kate was a rock star and everybody's happy and healthy. Up!!
Tuesday night, my mom calls and tells me that my Grandpa, my last surviving grandparent, who, up until now, has been an indestructible ox, fell and broke his hip and was in the hospital. He had surgery that was successful and his girlfriend was with him through the whole thing but I think the last time he was in a hospital was probably when my dad was born. Big time Down.
Ten minutes after getting THAT phone call, Kate called me and we were able to talk for a little bit. Ridiculous girl asked me how I was doing!! Um, well, I didn't have a BABY today! I wanna talk about YOU!! I was not expecting to hear from her for a week, or maybe two, let alone the same day. I was so overjoyed that she found a few minutes to call me and tell me how everything went. Up.
Wednesday afternoon, my mom and I visited Grandpa at the hospital. He looked good, he was sitting up in a chair, completely mentally sharp and clear and actually in a pretty decent mood. It was encouraging to see him sitting up and looking that good but by all accounts, he wasn't moving as well as they'd have liked him to be and I don't really ever even remember seeing him with even so much as a band-aid, let alone IN a hospital so see him that setting was really disconcerting and it made me sad. Also, one of my dad's sisters, basically a stranger who I hear not great things about from time to time if she's ever even mentioned at all, was there and is back in the picture, making a less than favorable situation just a little bit worse by making it awkward. Down.
Thursday, I went with Dad to see Grandpa again because he had been on the road when my mom and I went the day before. I was afraid for my dad to have to see HIS dad in a hospital. I was hoping Grandpa would be the same, or better, than he was the day before. He was. That was good. The plan was for him to be transitioned to a rehab place the next day. Also good. Things seem to be going as well as they can in this situation but I feel like I'm taking on extra emotions - trying to figure out how to be there for but not smother my dad. I don't want to just ignore the fact that we were just in a hospital but I know how my dad processes things and that he isn't a "Let's talk about our feelings in depth" kind of guy. Murky waters. Stress. Down.
I have been getting eight hours of sleep every night this week but because every day this week has been so emotionally charged and mentally draining, it has felt like hard, heavy sleep that is not restful at all and I wake up more exhausted than I went to bed. This afternoon, I came home from work at noon, and have sat in my chair and watched tv and then slept on the couch for a couple hours and moved back to my chair. I really needed quiet. Hopefully, next week I can get back to a happy medium.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Good things!!
It occurred to me today how great my life is going.
-- I am excited to be starting grad school after years of being convinced I would never go back.
-- I have maintained a 90-lb weight loss for more than a year and I've never been in better shape than I am right now.
-- I've been making improvements to my apartment that are making it even more homey and reflective of my personality. I feel totally at home here.
-- I really do feel like I can do anything - and what's more, I WANT to do so much more.
This is so exciting!
Also - this morning, I went to put on my socks and sneakers, so that I could go straight to my parents' house and take Racer for a walk after school, and I put my socks on, left foot first, right food second and then I picked up my right sneaker. I could have very easily put my right sneaker on and gone on with my business but instead, I put it down, picked up my left sneaker and put that on first. Why? Why did I have to put down a perfectly good shoe to put the other one on first? Does handedness extend to little things like what shoe you put on first? What hand you use to scratch a bug bite? What hand you use to zip up your pants? I don't know why but that struck me as interesting this morning.
-- I am excited to be starting grad school after years of being convinced I would never go back.
-- I have maintained a 90-lb weight loss for more than a year and I've never been in better shape than I am right now.
-- I've been making improvements to my apartment that are making it even more homey and reflective of my personality. I feel totally at home here.
-- I really do feel like I can do anything - and what's more, I WANT to do so much more.
This is so exciting!
Also - this morning, I went to put on my socks and sneakers, so that I could go straight to my parents' house and take Racer for a walk after school, and I put my socks on, left foot first, right food second and then I picked up my right sneaker. I could have very easily put my right sneaker on and gone on with my business but instead, I put it down, picked up my left sneaker and put that on first. Why? Why did I have to put down a perfectly good shoe to put the other one on first? Does handedness extend to little things like what shoe you put on first? What hand you use to scratch a bug bite? What hand you use to zip up your pants? I don't know why but that struck me as interesting this morning.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Bucket List
Allie is currently on a fantastical cross-country roadtrip with her boyfriend. I've been reading her blog as they go and the more I see of her adventures, the more I think this is something I really need to do in my lifetime. I know several people now who've embarked on similar adventures in the last year and each one of them said it was an experience they wouldn't trade for the world. Thinking about roadtrips has gotten me thinking about other things I really want to do. It might be a little cliche but I think I need to make a bucket list and I'm going to start it here and now.
- Wear a bikini in public and be proud
- Follow the Red Sox to the West Coast for at least one game
- Visit the Hogwart's at Universal Studios in Florida
- Go to St. Lucia
- Visit England and take a historical tour
- Go on a cross-country roadtrip
- Fly in a helicopter
- Bungee jump off a bridge
This is just a start but I don't want to forget these things...I want to make them happen.
- Wear a bikini in public and be proud
- Follow the Red Sox to the West Coast for at least one game
- Visit the Hogwart's at Universal Studios in Florida
- Go to St. Lucia
- Visit England and take a historical tour
- Go on a cross-country roadtrip
- Fly in a helicopter
- Bungee jump off a bridge
This is just a start but I don't want to forget these things...I want to make them happen.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Behind Enemy Lines
For the first two weeks of Summer RSG, I'm working as a para at Camp Chase from 12-4. After spending my whole life there as a camper, a counselor, a leadership staff member and finally a director, to be there as a para responsible for only one camper is both liberating/handcuffing.
Butting out has never really been a strength of mine. It's not that I'm nosy (though I'll admit, I like to know everything that's going on), it's that I want to help with any problem anyone could encounter ever. I'm a caretaker at heart. If that means I have to get in your business sometimes, so be it. With this in mind, I've been mentally preparing myself to stay out of camp business and just stick to my own student. In theory, that is a great plan. In actuality, here are the hang-ups. The student I am working with is really flexible and independent. He gets along with the other kids and isn't a flight risk. I find it actually serves him better if I step back and give him the opportunity to have independent conversations and walk places with the group, rather than by my side. This level of freedom gives me the opportunity to observe the group and the unit as a whole...and the camp director, unit leader, counselor in me is SCREAMING. I've never worked harder at minding my own business and even so, I'm really not doing that well.
I'm finding it really hard to be at camp as a para and turn off that part of me which has been so dominant every previous summer, and try to run the place. It's like the President of the United States coming back to the White House as a custodian.
All that said, I am SO happy to be back at Camp Chase. I really missed it. It's like coming home.
Butting out has never really been a strength of mine. It's not that I'm nosy (though I'll admit, I like to know everything that's going on), it's that I want to help with any problem anyone could encounter ever. I'm a caretaker at heart. If that means I have to get in your business sometimes, so be it. With this in mind, I've been mentally preparing myself to stay out of camp business and just stick to my own student. In theory, that is a great plan. In actuality, here are the hang-ups. The student I am working with is really flexible and independent. He gets along with the other kids and isn't a flight risk. I find it actually serves him better if I step back and give him the opportunity to have independent conversations and walk places with the group, rather than by my side. This level of freedom gives me the opportunity to observe the group and the unit as a whole...and the camp director, unit leader, counselor in me is SCREAMING. I've never worked harder at minding my own business and even so, I'm really not doing that well.
I'm finding it really hard to be at camp as a para and turn off that part of me which has been so dominant every previous summer, and try to run the place. It's like the President of the United States coming back to the White House as a custodian.
All that said, I am SO happy to be back at Camp Chase. I really missed it. It's like coming home.
Friday, July 1, 2011
You blog, I blog.
Since Jessy and Vanessa have been blogging more frequently to document their growing (and beautiful) little girls, I decided that, although I am child-less, that it might be fun for me to start blogging again too. My subject matter will be decidedly different than theirs but it's still fun. You know what I do have to write about - adventures in online dating. Woof.
It's no secret that I'm a member on match.com, I have been for a long time. Working in a school, with almost entirely female co-workers, makes it almost impossible to meet anyone in the workplace. That's fine. While there is the occasional match that extends past a few emails back and forth, more often than not, it's a) men who are old enough to be my father (or at least an uncle), b) men who don't have a real solid grasp on English, or (and this is my FAVORITE) c) men who feel "hey, what's up?" or "how are you?" is the PERFECT opening line. What am I gonna say to that? --- I'm fine. Peace. That kind of email is worth about as much as a guy in a bar who says "Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven?" - "Hey, what's your sign?" - "I lost my phone number, can I have yours?" -- really?? REALLY.
Among the more ridiculous emails I've gotten:
Verbatim --
Handsome Airline Pilot
I date younger and your my type
You just can't be psycho... :)
I'm Mark
A million things are wrong with this. This guy was 39. He was shorter than me. He didn't use any punctuation. He called himself handsome. He used the wrong you're. It's amazing to me that a man who doesn't know one of the most basic rules of English flies planes for a living. And his ONE rule is that I not be psycho? Well...dammit. It's too bad I AM completely psycho, otherwise I'd be falling all over myself trying to reel this guy in. How lucky for me that a 40-year-old man dates younger and I am his type! What the hell am I waiting for???.. Sorry, Mark. You're gonna have to cruise the internet personals for another girl in her midtwenties who will actually fall for that. MAYBE, there's a reason why you're 40 and still single... OH, AND USE PERIODS AT THE END OF YOUR SENTENCES. If this weren't so comical, it'd be discouraging. Is this really all that's out there?
It's no secret that I'm a member on match.com, I have been for a long time. Working in a school, with almost entirely female co-workers, makes it almost impossible to meet anyone in the workplace. That's fine. While there is the occasional match that extends past a few emails back and forth, more often than not, it's a) men who are old enough to be my father (or at least an uncle), b) men who don't have a real solid grasp on English, or (and this is my FAVORITE) c) men who feel "hey, what's up?" or "how are you?" is the PERFECT opening line. What am I gonna say to that? --- I'm fine. Peace. That kind of email is worth about as much as a guy in a bar who says "Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven?" - "Hey, what's your sign?" - "I lost my phone number, can I have yours?" -- really?? REALLY.
Among the more ridiculous emails I've gotten:
Verbatim --
Handsome Airline Pilot
I date younger and your my type
You just can't be psycho... :)
I'm Mark
A million things are wrong with this. This guy was 39. He was shorter than me. He didn't use any punctuation. He called himself handsome. He used the wrong you're. It's amazing to me that a man who doesn't know one of the most basic rules of English flies planes for a living. And his ONE rule is that I not be psycho? Well...dammit. It's too bad I AM completely psycho, otherwise I'd be falling all over myself trying to reel this guy in. How lucky for me that a 40-year-old man dates younger and I am his type! What the hell am I waiting for???.. Sorry, Mark. You're gonna have to cruise the internet personals for another girl in her midtwenties who will actually fall for that. MAYBE, there's a reason why you're 40 and still single... OH, AND USE PERIODS AT THE END OF YOUR SENTENCES. If this weren't so comical, it'd be discouraging. Is this really all that's out there?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"You can't conquer what you don't confront. You can't confront what you don't identify."
That quote is from a show on Lifetime, I think, about this woman, Ruby, who is severely overweight at 330 lbs but WAS ONCE 700 lbs. Somehow that entitles her to her own show. I was overweight too, does that mean I get a show? I think I should have a show just because some of the things that happen in my life (read: situations I willingly put myself in that go awry) are ridiculous and hilarious but Ruby is not funny, she's annoying. She complains and talks in this whiny, drawn out, Southern way that makes me cringe. She doesn't take responsibility for her size. There are so many people that have Biggest Loser-ed their own self, saved their own life, and they don't ask for recognition, publicity or (as in most weight loss shows) money. When I hit my goal weight, I will have lost 100 lbs, probably a little bit more if you factor in weight that I lost and then gained back and then re-lost. This Ruby woman annoys the shit out of me because she has no motivation. She is a whiner, she has TWO trainers that work only with her, and they are constantly dangling new carrots in front of her to keep her interested because, in THEIR words," If it's not fun for Ruby, she will. not. do it." Yes, she lost 350 lbs already which is amazing, but I think it's stupid that she can't motivate herself. Where is the will power? If you want to lose weight, get your ass off your bed, go outside, GO to the gym, and do not make excuses. Oh my GOD, the whining she does. It's too hot, this isn't fun, aren't y'all tired? Oh. MY. LORD. SHUT UP. If I had a trainer, I'd want them to be mean to me, kick my ass, make me work but she seems to want these trainers to make up little games for her that are "fun". She doesn't want to do the work. She doesn't want the struggle. She doesn't want to fight. I feel like she's missing out on the most important truth of the whole thing - The struggle is its own reward.
14.5 lbs away. I'm so excited!
14.5 lbs away. I'm so excited!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Year of the Ones
I felt it even before New Year's, but now it feels even more certain - 2011 is going to be dominated by the number 1 and variations of it. I don't know why, but now more than ever, I see myself noticing every time the clock hits 11:11 or 1:11 and think "Make a Wish." Ideally, that will have some power behind it.
Since I got my new GPS for Christmas, I've had an itch to travel, more specifically, to drive... with no clear destination, just to see where I end up. I realize that for a GPS to be effective, you're supposed to enter a destination, which means you would have to know where you're going first but still... I want to go places I haven't been before. That feeling is new for me.
I really want to lose this last 20 lbs. The entire fall I've been hovering and thinking that that is okay and it's time for me to change my mind. It's not okay. I'm not at my target and I can't give up now and think "Well, I have come a long way, this is good enough." Nope. It's not. Don't get me wrong, it IS good, it's great, but it's not the end. My biggest problem isn't that I make excuses, it's that I sit and think and think and think about working out or going for a walk, or making a really healthy dinner and I don't actually get my butt up and do the thing I'm thinking about. I feel like this is a running theme in my life (one that I've made a lot of progress with but still recurrent) - thinking about doing something and sitting on my butt instead of getting up and making it happen. That just doesn't cut it. It doesn't accomplish anything. Sometimes I need a kick though...like someone else to come along and say "Get your ass in gear, what are you waiting for?"
Feel free to kick me in the ass.
Since I got my new GPS for Christmas, I've had an itch to travel, more specifically, to drive... with no clear destination, just to see where I end up. I realize that for a GPS to be effective, you're supposed to enter a destination, which means you would have to know where you're going first but still... I want to go places I haven't been before. That feeling is new for me.
I really want to lose this last 20 lbs. The entire fall I've been hovering and thinking that that is okay and it's time for me to change my mind. It's not okay. I'm not at my target and I can't give up now and think "Well, I have come a long way, this is good enough." Nope. It's not. Don't get me wrong, it IS good, it's great, but it's not the end. My biggest problem isn't that I make excuses, it's that I sit and think and think and think about working out or going for a walk, or making a really healthy dinner and I don't actually get my butt up and do the thing I'm thinking about. I feel like this is a running theme in my life (one that I've made a lot of progress with but still recurrent) - thinking about doing something and sitting on my butt instead of getting up and making it happen. That just doesn't cut it. It doesn't accomplish anything. Sometimes I need a kick though...like someone else to come along and say "Get your ass in gear, what are you waiting for?"
Feel free to kick me in the ass.
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