Is it really time for the Year in Review?

I can't get my head around the fact that there are two weeks left of 2009.

I remember the exact moment 2009 started and where I was and how I felt and how far away I am from that now staggers me. It makes me sad in a way because the first two weeks of 2009 were fantastic and then the next few months were like a continual trudge, I was sad a lot... and confused. I don't know how many men understand this but girls, or at least me, need painstakingly clear reasons for being dumped. It bums me out that I spent the first quarter of 2009 trying to figure out what happened, what I did, how it changed. Looking back on it now, I still don't get it but now it doesn't matter. Rehashing it doesn't change it, make it better or do me any good. I could almost delete this entire paragraph but it feels better to me somehow to have it out then to keep spitballing it around inside my head. Don't get me wrong, it's not something I think about all the time, or even occasionally, it's been a non-issue for a long time now but having the year come to a close and remembering what was going on this time last year brings it back. Time for a new start.

Once I moved, it was like my whole life opened up. It's amazing what having ownership (rentership?) of my own space, my own bills to pay, my own responsibilities that didn't trace back to my parents, did for me. It's kinda funny but it's the first time after college that I've truly felt adult. Even when I lived with Kate in Newmarket, it didn't feel like this. This is so much better and better in a completely unexplainable way. It just is.

I loved my summer. I honestly have never worked harder in anything in my life than I did this summer - even though I thought I had in summer '06, my freshman semester of college, the newspaper - nothing took as much out of me as being a director this summer did. All that said, all the mornings I was at camp before 7 am and left after 7 at night, all the phone calls, all the weekends, all the skit planning, all the FREAKING INCIDENT REPORTS that were a complete waste of time - really, make me fill out an incident report for a bandaid? Thanks, totally worth the paper I wasted to write "cleaned, put on bandaid." We had the most compatible, functional and fun group of leadership that we've had since I've been a part of it and I was so proud to work with that group of people. There's really no better place to get a sense of a person than camp when no one feels the need to keep up pretenses - everyone's dirty, everyone's tired and everyone is there to have fun. I really am going to miss camp. It's been a part of me for more years than anything else in my life and it hurts to know I won't be going back but at the same time, I have to recognize the opportunity to step away. I'll always love it, save all the pictures and notes, but this is the time.

Fall's been great. I love my job. I have no idea how it took me this long to realize what I'm meant to be doing. But that's the thing is that I don't think I could have gotten to it any sooner than I did. I had to go through all these steps and have all these experiences before I could open up to this career. It's not easy, it's definitely not for everyone, and it's something that you can't claim simply by having a degree. I don't even have the education degree - it's just something intangible that can't be taught and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Geez, so much with the lofty, preachy language tonight but I can't help it. Maybe it's the song I have on repeat - "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson, it's making me feel really spiritual and philosophical and nostalgic and I don't really have a reason for it. I feel like this song belongs at the end of an episode of some show with girls who have a revelation in the middle of a summer rain storm, arms outstretched, head to the sky and suddenly the world makes sense while Kelly Clarkson breaks it down in the background.

So let's review 2009. Great, horrible, good, great, great, great. That looks like a pretty good year. And it's taught me that (while I should have learned this 10 times over by now) it's useless to plan for yourself or to seek things out before they are ready to be found by you. Just have to let it come. So come on, 2010. Please be nice.

Strange but that doesn't make it untrue

Rachel and I went to see "This Is It", the Michael Jackson movie, after school today and you know what, if he had lived - it would have been probably one of the most amazing live shows ever. I kind of felt like I was at a live show - I loved the movie, 100% loved it. Getting to see it from inside, watching him rehearse and talk about the logistics and perform, just him, not overly produced, just practicing but still wanting it perfect - hearing him speak and seeing through all of this that he was just a normal guy in the sense that he seemed pretty humble, he had a sense of humor, he wasn't shy - it was awesome, it really humanized him in a way that I haven't seen before. I think it's easy for most people to get bogged down in how odd he seemed and forget how inSANEly talented he was. There's something about him, completely intangible charisma, something compelling, something weirdly sexy about him when he performs and I don't mind saying it. I didn't want it to end.

It's a down night

I can't decide if my life is just less exciting now or if I'm just censoring myself because I'm afraid of who will see what I wrote and either misinterpret it or interpret exactly right but not like what they read.

Tonight, I feel discontented. I feel antsy and not satisfied with my life in general, which is stupid because I have a great life. I have an incredibly fulfilling job that is challenging and interesting and everyday I can see the forward progress, albeit not as lucrative as I would like. That's always been my curse; I choose jobs on my gut that I LOVE but that pay peanuts. I love my family; today I spent the whole day with my mom and made a really nice dinner for my parents at MY apartment. I HAVE an apartment that I love. My friends, even if they are all married, are awesome.

It's sad that the one thing I'm missing in my life is what's bringing me down and making it really difficult to appreciate all the good stuff. How do you stop that from happening? No, really. How? If someone could give me a real, tangible step by step plan of how to not get depressed that I'm single, that would be fantastic because I'm sick of this. It always sounds kind of empty and patronizing when someone tells me a) stop looking for it, it'll find you or b) it's not all it's cracked up to be.

AND on top of everything else, the effing Yankees are on the verge of going to the World Series. F that. AND I'm sorry, but Alex Rodriguez is NOT the new Mr. October. You don't earn that title with ONE good post-season showing - how long has he been sucking it HARD in the post-season? Give him a little credit that he's now able to swing the bat and make contact after September 30th, sure... but Mr. October he is not.

Miss P. have a BIGGGG Jeff!

So today, my student was finishing up in the bathroom and as I was helping him button his pants, he lifted up his shirt and pointed to his belly button, proudly proclaiming "Is my Belly Button!" and I said, "You're RIGHT, that IS your belly button! Good job!"

Next, he pointed to his nipple and said "What's this?" Not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to teach him the word 'nipple,' I said "That's your chest." He pointed again and said "Is my jeff." Sure, it's your jeff, close enough. He seemed proud of learning a new body part and he kept repeating this new word. Then, he looks at me and says "Miss P have a biiiiig jeff."

Umm... please don't talk about my jeff. I know he was just making an association, and I'm proud of him for making the connection, I just find it hilarious that he made that comment. And exactly how I wrote it - he didn't just say "big", he said "biiiiiig." Well at least we know now that he's definitely a "jeff" man.

I love my job.

This is how it's gonna be when I get married...

So - this being the 4th wedding I've attended (3rd I've been a part of) in 6 months, I obviously have weddings on the brain. Watching other people, very close friends of mine who I want nothing but the best for, endure this, I've come to a conclusion that I feel like I need to express.

- A wedding SHOULD be about nothing but the bride and groom and celebrating them. It should NOT be taken over by drama between families, members of the same family or other guests. It should NOT be the bride or groom's responsibility to take care of minute details at the last second - I'm sorry, that is what the bridal party is for. Having been a bridesmaid twice for 2 of my closest friends, I have seen but not understood the fact that sometimes family members have bigger aspirations for the wedding than what they're truly celebrating, which I think is a load of shit. Wouldn't you want your daughter, sister, friend to be completely relaxed and happy and only focused on their marriage? It boggles my mind how people can't just accept the fact that one, two, maybe three days, should be devoted entirely to whoever is getting married and just making everything perfect for them. Wouldn't you hope your people would want that for you? So why wouldn't you work tirelessly to give that to them?

When I get married, I'm not putting up with any shit. If that makes me a brideszilla, so be it, but I think brides (or at least the ones I know) need to stick up for themselves a little bit more and just be able to say "Hey, this day is JUST about me. If you can't handle that, you can leave. I don't want you to, but you probably should if you're going to make any of this about you, because it's not." And I mean it in the nicest way possible. It's something I feel like shouldn't have to be said, but when it's not, people think it's okay to demand way too much of a bride or groom who really should be essentially catered to on those few days. Is it me? Does this not make sense? It's just one day, give them what they want.

Sidenote - downtown Newport is not a place you want to find yourself navigating for the first time in the rain and dark. I tried that last night and while it worked out fine, I had my fair share of anxious moments. Anyone who knows me knows that I liked to be prepared (or in the passenger seat) when I'm going to a new place for the first time. I hate feeling like I'm lost. Hate it. My dad always says you're not lost if you can get back to where you came from - which is true to an extent, but that only covers half of it. How about actually getting to where you need to go. So where this is going is that I didn't trust myself to get to The Red Parrot, where Kate's Bachelorette Party was starting, because I don't know the area and apparently there is not parking lot for the restaurant so I was basically on my own. So - rain, dark, trying to read directions as I go - not really a workable strategy. Long story short, once I was fairly certain I was on the street where the restaurant was, I parked my car in a metered spot at 119 Thames St. The Red Parrot is 348 Thames St. I, because I'm SO smart (and by smart, I mean lame and overly cautious), decided to WALK probably about 5 blocks in the rain and just follow the numbers on the building because I'd rather be lost on foot than in the car. I got there before Kate and the rest of the girls because they got a late start, so I had time to get a drink at the bar in go over in my head exactly how many kinds of dumb I had just been.

Kate's getting married tomorrow. Another new Mrs. in my life. Yay!

Look who's back...

I'M BACK, SUCKAS!!!

Not threatening at all, huh? That's okay. I decided tonight after reading Vanessa's blog and marveling at how hilarious of a writer she is and how well she captured what seem like ridiculous events in her life, and rereading my old livejournal that it might be fun for me to start a new one. No doubt my stories will not be nearly as scintillating or jaw-dropping as Vanessa's without a crazy landlady but a girl can hope.

And in case you were wondering, starting this blog at midnight on a school night is completely worth the hour (at least) of sleep I lost creating it. We'll see tomorrow if I'm still so thrilled with this choice.