Introspective moment

I wish I was one of those people who could take a sick day without being sick and not feel guilty. Instead, I'm the kind of person who would (and has) drag myself off my deathbed to go in just so my duties aren't uncovered or covered by someone who doesn't know the system. I'd rather do a crappy job myself because I feel like shit than let someone else come in and do a crappy job because they don't know any better. I've been told multiple times by multiple people, if you're sick, if you need a mental health day, take a day off. So why can't I do that? Why is that sense of guilt so crippling?

If I could figure that out, maybe I could explain why I have 43 sick days saved up. I accumulate 1.5 a month so how many months is that that I haven't taken a sick day. It's 28 and 2/3 months...divided by 9-month school calendars - that's more than 3 years. I could probably count on 2 hands the number of sick days I've taken in 3 and 1/2 years. That's good. Dedication. Yes, for the most part it is dedication... What part of it isn't dedication is guilt and fear that I'll be percieved as someone who isn't a team player, who's not tough. But here's the thing, it's okay to not be tough enough to go to work sick or take the occasional mental health day. It IS okay... I know that. So what's the hang up? I would encourage anyone else to do it but somehow, in my head, it's not okay for me. I don't deserve the same rest that other people do. What IS that?

Why are my legs so sore?

Okay, maybe I know why but they shouldn't still feel like this a week later.

It's shocking how quickly a month can pass before you realize you haven't seen people you're used to seeing at least once a week. I don't like it. I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen again. I got to hang out with the Domer-Shanks twice this week and it was like... a sigh of relief. Ahhh, okay, things are fine.

In the last couple weeks, I've been really throwing myself into taking a lot of pictures. I've always been the one with the camera but the difference now is that I'm trying to use a little more artistry in the shots that I take. I'm trying different angles, different shutter speeds, different settings on the camera to see what kind of different looks I can get. I am finding some new purposefullness in this and I really like it.

There's no kind of sense this could make

Add getting spat at and on to the list of things I absolutely cannot handle.

I'm in a weird spot where I don't feel content with anything and that bugs me. I've been 25 for like 7 months; is that what this is? Quarter-life crisis?

"Tell the Devil I said 'hey' when you get back to where you're from"

Once in a great while, a song will come along that just puts everything into perspective and clears all the clouds away. I found such a song today and I legit cannot stop listening to it. It's basically been on repeat since I got home this weekend from a fabulous weekend in Ohio.

Grenade by Bruno Mars. I can't explain it really without sitting down with you and playing the song and talking over it annoyingly and every once in a while stopping it and being like "Now, did you hear that part?" or "See the beat there?" - it's everything. It's the lyrics that are a little harsh but still really clever and pointed. It's the beat under the song, kind of like this galloping pace that makes the song sound... urgent, in a way. It's the background vocals that are in perfect sync and harmony that add so much more dimension to the song. It's the emotion that he sings with that makes me feel like he really means what he's saying. You can hear the pain, anger, resentment, and this weird sense of resignation, commitment under duress. I don't think there's a music video for this song but I can picture one in my head that I think would fit it so well. Dark desert plains with a lightning storm behind him and his band while he plays the crap out of the song. Maybe some flamenco dancers to the side. I can see it perfectly in my head. Close your eyes and you can see it too.

This song is just hitting me in a way that I can't explain and I love it when that happens. It makes me feel like there IS someone else who gets it.

Someone please explain it to me.

Because I do. not. get. it.

Stop calling yourself a Teen Activist.

I'm REALLY loving Dancing with the Stars. I'm surprised how much I'm enjoying this cast because when it was announced, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is gonna be crap. These people are terrible choices." Wrong, Dane. They're awesome.

Here's the thing though. Bristol Palin. Even though she is growing on me, it bugs me to no end that she calls herself a teen activist. She's advocating abstinence, which to me seems insanely hypocritical. You HAVE a baby out of wedlock, how can you NOW say, Yeah, don't have sex. Why not advocate for contraception instead? Clearly, she didn't have the presence of mind to take her own advice, so why not be realistic. Slash - is she, by advocating abstinence, indirectly saying that she wishes she had abstained and therefore wishes her life could be sans child? You already have the baby, doesn't really seem like the time or circumstance to be preaching "don't have sex."

What is this?

I'm having a weird moment right now. It's 10:20, I know I have to turn the iTunes off, put on the red sox game from earlier today, turn off my lights and go to sleep but I have this weird feeling in my chest like... I can't do it. I can't. I won't. What is this?

I don't even know

I don't understand people who lie. Obviously, I've lied before, but about things are that unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I don't think I've ever lied with the intention of hurting someone. At this point in life, at this age, lying just seems like more energy that it's worth.

There's a team on the Amazing Race that are A Cappella singers from Harvard and they make the rest of us look terrible. I just want the world to know that not all A Cappella singers are colassal geeks like these two guys. No one would be sitting in the back of a cab would SING "please drive faster." Stupid.

It's also set in Ghana and that makes me miss Clyde.