Until J.Rho asked me why I haven't posted in 2010, I didn't realize that I hadn't posted since I did that "Year in Review" one and here it is, the Middle of March already. Sorry, I'm so slow!!
So far, 2010 is going pretty well. Work was really difficult for awhile because I was cruising along with my little wonderchild, starting to read and write and BAM, "congratulations," you're getting switched to a much more difficult and much more physically aggressive kid because you're doing "such a good job." I've seen it before, I've experienced it before but that doesn't make it any easier. At camp, we do it to the best counselors. The logic is this: You're so capable and you're doing such a great job that we are going to load you up with the most difficult kids to manage because we know YOU can do it and our confidence in your peers is less so. Really, this is a reward. What it feels like is a punishment. It's a pat on the back complete with new procedures that are constantly changing to adapt to new behaviors and bruises. Congrats and watch your face for the headbutts. Yay. For a while, I had a huge chip on my shoulder about it but I can see improvement. I can see that even though it's not great, it's getting better every day... because of my effort.
Two nights ago, I had a dream that my dad died. I remember parts of it and planning the funeral and being at the funeral and feeling the loss and being devastated. When I woke up, I still had that sick feeling and I had to remind myself that it wasn't real. When I got on facebook later, I saw that my friend's dad had passed away overnight. The worst loss I've experienced in my life was when Max died and it physically makes me feel a pit in my stomach when I think about it. I still get teary talking about it. I can't imagine feeling that loss as it relates to a family member, a parent especially. I know the two events aren't related in the least, but I do find it kind of eerie that I had that dream about my dad and then woke up to find out that someone else had just lost theirs.
Tonight on TLC, there are specials on Hoarding and they're breaking my heart. This one lady just seems so sad and ashamed and out of control. I can't imagine that feeling. Hearing her talk about having to move things around because she has a mental block about throwing anything away and hear the shame, it just hurts me. It's making me tear up. What she must feel, it kind of seems like an actual tightness or squeezing coming from inside, a physical reaction around this mental state. Ugh. It hurts.
I've lost about 14 lbs in the last 7 or 8 weeks. After New Years, looking at the pictures of myself, I was like uh oh, not again. I could see that double chin creeping back. Time to do something. I specifically asked my brother for Biggest Loser workout DVDs for Christmas because I know that I don't have money to spend on the gym and the fact is, I wouldn't go even if I did. Working out is something I need to do by myself or with one other person. But I can see improvement, I've gone down a pants size, I need new clothes, and I have goals that I'm working towards. The thing I'm learning more and more is that setting of goals is really important. Even if I don't completely reach my goal, the idea of working toward something is purpose enough to keep going. Slowly but surely, it's working. Since I graduated from college, I've lost 40 lbs... awesome, right? Yes, it is, but the less awesome thing is that I still have 40 more to go. It's not awesome but now, I know I can do it. Dammit, I will do it.
I'm gonna do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment